What is Life?

For the past week and a half since the break-up, I've been on an emotional roller coaster.  Up and down, up and down, up and down.

"What is the most resilient parasite?  Bacteria?  A virus?  An intestinal worm?  An idea.  Resilient...highly contagious.  Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate.  An idea that is fully formed-fully understood-that sticks; right in there somewhere."

An idea, the idea of positive thinking.  Everyday I've woken up depressed, but then I think of all the amazing things in life, the amazing people that I have met, and I haven't met.  She has taught me this.  It's really hard to show someone, to tell someone just how much they've impacted your life.  I held onto an idea, and in a little ways I'm still holding on to that idea.  

Maybe she's not ready to commit now, not willing to be in a relationship.  But maybe one day we can be together.  

I hold onto this hope, but I don't let it tie me down.  The future is so unpredictable, life is so unpredictable.  I'm going to go live life, I'm going to go love with all my heart, stand tall.  I'm going to become strong and dependable with or without her.  I saw her today and I panicked.  I was scared, should I say something?  Or would I be too scared to go up and take a chance on life?

I did.  I stepped up, I talked to her about everything.  I wanted to fight for her, not as her boyfriend, simply as a friend.  When someone comes into your life and changes everything about the way you think, I want to keep someone like that in my life.  I want for the people in my life to know they can depend on me, that they will know that I will fight for them, and never ever give up on them.  This will be my strength, this will be my way of living, this is how I will take on this big world...as a little boy.

Pain is a great teacher, and great inspiration, without it...I feel like my writing is horrible haha

So let's just go and live life and grow strong and who knows?

Day by Day

It's been a few days since the break-up now.  I don't know if I'm over it, if anything I may be a little in denial over it.  Everyone always says time heals all wounds, that I just need some time, go do something fun, go distract yourself.  But I keep thinking to myself, what if she gave up too early, what if if I give up now...I'm giving up too early.  They always ask you..."can we still be friends?"  and being the nice guy you say, yea...it'll take time but yea.  Maybe not now, but in the future when the feelings you have have died down then yea, we can be friends.

In my first post, my mindset was I want to be strong, I want to be my own person.  Unfortunately I am terribly impatient.  I know it takes time, it won't happen in one day.  If anything I've realized now, how quickly your mindset can change in a day.  In an hour.  In minutes.  In seconds.  How quickly did I go from I want to work hard, I want to become strong.  To well procrastinating, distracting myself with games and shows and the internet.  How quickly did I go back to my "normal" self.  The old me, the one that was so afraid to go out and maybe live some life, to just sitting back and enjoying the comforts of my safe safe home.  My safe safe routine.

When faced with pain, hardship; how easy is it?  How easy is it to go back to "normal"?

But what if you don't like your normal, is it wrong to want to change yourself?  Is it possible?

I guess the question is...am I changing myself for the girl? Or am I changing myself because of the girl?  Sounds the same doesn't it?

Well to me it isn't.  Maybe I'm crazy and still emotionally attached.  Most people say I should give up, and that'll make me stronger in the end.  To be able to let go.  But the me now, the me I want to change, the me that is so afraid, so prone to just giving up.  I feel that if I let this amazing of a person out of my life, just like that, without trying everything and anything, I'll never be able to become strong.

It isn't about wanting to be together again, as much as I would love that.  It's about being able to become that person who doesn't give up on anyone important to them.  Who you can depend on to be there, to be strong, to always have you're back and never give up on you.

I want to be strong.  I want to never give up.  I want to be able to fight for the things and people I care about.  And the only way I feel I can become like this, is to not give up on her.  So I guess, what I'm saying is...I want to fight for her still.  Not as a girlfriend, but simply as a person.  A person that I cared about, that I thought was important to me.  No.  A person I still care about, that I still think is important to me.

I want to be able to do this for every single person that has made an impact on my life.  I want to be able to be strong for every one of these people.  I know right now in my heart, I'm all talk...haha

Heck, I wouldn't depend on me right now, I mean these are just things I say, and as they say.  Actions speak louder than words.

There's a quote from Ocean's 11 haha, that I honestly feel like I live by nowadays.

"Are you scared?"
"Are you suicidal?"
"Only in the mornings"

But hey, let's take it day by day.

LIFE IS SCARY!!

So how do I begin, I've written a blog before, I've never really written much of anything.  Honestly, sometimes just the thought of having to write big essays or...well anything too tedious has frightened me.  It's probably one my biggest flaws, often times I tell myself I can't do it or I'm not good enough.  Why?  Simply because I am afraid.  Afraid of what you may ask?  Sometimes I often wonder that about myself.  My conclusion?  I'm afraid of the world...afraid of life...definitely afraid of growing up and the responsibilities and failure it comes with.  If it were up to me, I'd have won the lottery by now...several times over.  I'd be living in some fancy place, in some fancy house, surrounded by my friends.  Not having to worry, not having to stress, not having to live this thing we call "life".  Maybe I'm just a dreamer; maybe I'm just a child still.

Hmmmm, I feel like I've gotten a little off-topic...where was I?  Whatever, let's just start over.  For most of my life I never really...did anything.  I didn't have to study very hard, I mean high school was easy.  It wasn't until I got to university that I realized for the first time in my life, I mean really realized that sometimes LIFE SUCKS!!! haha haven't we all felt like this before?  I always thought that I'd go into business, and get an accounting degree and become a chartered accountant (AS A BACK-UP), then I'd become a lawyer and be rich and it would all be eaaaaaaaasy.  How wrong was I?  I bombed my first-year. Wasn't.  Even.  Close.  To getting in.

Now I feel like, I'm doing a little too much rambling.  If anything, if I continue writing this blog, you guys will have plenty of time to find out more about my life.

I guess the reason I'm writing this blog in the first place is because of my girlfriend...well ex-girlfriend.  Let me tell you about her, she was and is still THE...wait wait, no ONE of the MOST AMAZING people that I got to know.  If you haven't figured out, I'm a little bit of a drama queen.  She was my first girlfriend, and I was her first boyfriend.  Our relationship?  Lasted all of 2 months!  But I'm not ashamed, nor am I angry.  It was the most amazing 2 months of my life! hahaha I know what you're thinking, what a loser right? Maybe.  She was my strength.  She made me feel stronger every single day.  So I finally got into business this year, and I realized I hated it, I was so lost, and honestly I STILL AM.  But with her by my side I felt like I could do anything!

So I guess this brings me to this week.  My girlfriend had been feeling distant from me all weekend, and then she started ignoring me.  I had an exam on Friday, a presentation on Friday, and a project due Monday.  So to say the least I was a little stressed.  Ok, I was hella stressed!  Then came the inevitable, "We need to talk".  So I went over on Tuesday and she asked me, "Do you know what we're gonna talk about?"  I knew.

 For the entire day however, I had been telling myself, "She likes you, she's not the kind of person to just give up and I'm not gonna give up either."

But that wasn't the case.  Her feelings just weren't growing for me...I don't blame her, she tried.  Maybe she was in denial, but she tried.  I was calm the whole incident, we walked and talked one last time and we laughed and smiled, then we said good-bye.

It wasn't until the next day that it really hit me.  This amazing person in my life was basically getting up off the ride and leaving.  I broke down.  The break-up, the stress of school, the feeling of being lost, it all hit me at once.  My strength was gone, because she was my strength.

But even in my darkest moment, I still found the courage to do something I would never have thought myself doing.  I went to the peer-support centre at the university.  I poured out my deepest and darkest thoughts to a total stranger.  I was so close to just giving up, quitting school, because I was afraid.  It hurt more than anything I have ever felt, but it made me better.  When I got home that day, I talked to my sister, I had never really opened up to her.  I told my aunt, I told my mom, my dad, I didn't want to do school any more.  They told me it was ok, but I should at least go to a college or do a trade.  Just get a certificate of some sort.  Like I said, I was this close to just giving up and quitting, but then my mom scolded me.  She said I always quit everything I do, I complain and whine and just end up quitting.  If I quit school now it would also put a financial burden on my family.

Then I realized, as much as I wanted to give up on school, I had never really tried, because I was always too afraid.  And that running away now was just an excuse, to hide from the world, from the break-up.  So I picked myself up, I started reading my books, as much to learn as to escape from the thought of my ex.  Hard work was my escape from the pain...but then I felt different.

The big world out there, didn't seem so scary any more.  I wanted to experience everything, I wanted to work hard to achieve something, I wanted...to live.

For anyone that reads this, I can honestly say it sounded better in my head haha, especially since some of the feelings are really hard to explain.  And some of them were, well from a few days ago so it's hard to live in the past when you're living right now.

I guess ultimately the point of this blog is to record my journey.  I want to become that strong, dependable person, that anyone can count on.  I know it'll take time, Rome wasn't built in a day.  There will be ups and downs, laughs and tears, but I hope one day I can be strong on my own.

For now it's a BIG WORLD, and I'm just a little boy.