It's been a few days since the break-up now. I don't know if I'm over it, if anything I may be a little in denial over it. Everyone always says time heals all wounds, that I just need some time, go do something fun, go distract yourself. But I keep thinking to myself, what if she gave up too early, what if if I give up now...I'm giving up too early. They always ask you..."can we still be friends?" and being the nice guy you say, yea...it'll take time but yea. Maybe not now, but in the future when the feelings you have have died down then yea, we can be friends.
In my first post, my mindset was I want to be strong, I want to be my own person. Unfortunately I am terribly impatient. I know it takes time, it won't happen in one day. If anything I've realized now, how quickly your mindset can change in a day. In an hour. In minutes. In seconds. How quickly did I go from I want to work hard, I want to become strong. To well procrastinating, distracting myself with games and shows and the internet. How quickly did I go back to my "normal" self. The old me, the one that was so afraid to go out and maybe live some life, to just sitting back and enjoying the comforts of my safe safe home. My safe safe routine.
When faced with pain, hardship; how easy is it? How easy is it to go back to "normal"?
But what if you don't like your normal, is it wrong to want to change yourself? Is it possible?
I guess the question is...am I changing myself for the girl? Or am I changing myself because of the girl? Sounds the same doesn't it?
Well to me it isn't. Maybe I'm crazy and still emotionally attached. Most people say I should give up, and that'll make me stronger in the end. To be able to let go. But the me now, the me I want to change, the me that is so afraid, so prone to just giving up. I feel that if I let this amazing of a person out of my life, just like that, without trying everything and anything, I'll never be able to become strong.
It isn't about wanting to be together again, as much as I would love that. It's about being able to become that person who doesn't give up on anyone important to them. Who you can depend on to be there, to be strong, to always have you're back and never give up on you.
I want to be strong. I want to never give up. I want to be able to fight for the things and people I care about. And the only way I feel I can become like this, is to not give up on her. So I guess, what I'm saying is...I want to fight for her still. Not as a girlfriend, but simply as a person. A person that I cared about, that I thought was important to me. No. A person I still care about, that I still think is important to me.
I want to be able to do this for every single person that has made an impact on my life. I want to be able to be strong for every one of these people. I know right now in my heart, I'm all talk...haha
Heck, I wouldn't depend on me right now, I mean these are just things I say, and as they say. Actions speak louder than words.
There's a quote from Ocean's 11 haha, that I honestly feel like I live by nowadays.
"Are you scared?"
"Are you suicidal?"
"Only in the mornings"
But hey, let's take it day by day.
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